What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 05:37
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why is my crush beautiful to me but not to others?
But it wasn’t much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did lobsters evolve bright colors if they are neither poisonous nor venomous?
I was very sick at this time too.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What are some signs he is deeply in love with you?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why is there so much free porn on the internet?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What does it feel like to "lose your looks" to age?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were not on the streets..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It was going to be , some day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I said to her
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.